Happy 4th of July 2019!
For those who are American or living in the USA this is a holiday. In truth, over in Germany, my son’s (and his not-American) classmates graduated from Domgymnasium Verden in 2015. Back then, I mainly noticed how it isn’t a German holiday as that’s where we were living at the time.
Many of you reading this may not be Americans or living in the USA at this time. Perhaps you can help me feel less strange about what my 4th is really like this year.
2010 through 2016 I dealt with living in the home town of the German man who has the honor and duty of being my only child’s father. He has been my husband, but I’m not writing this as a gossip column so I won’t divulge any more. What I wanted to share is simply that I lived in that guy’s home town: a village in Germany. Any of you who read the posts from back then that were about the place should have read at least one incident in which I described the village as “a Saxon Heaven on Earth”, with flocks of chickens and sheep and hardly any snow in Winter and plenty of growing season and lots of beatific and idyllic village type stuff there, but only an hour on the train to a big city….and at 120 kph on the Autobahn, in clear traffic one can escape the countryside rather rapidly.
However, after that, I ended up spending some time in my own home town again, which is really very different from discovering a new place which is the home town of someone with whom I have been closer than with nearly everyone else ever in my entire life.
I can’t emphasize enough that the Germans drive only 20mph or 22mph in the villages; in all the places that Americans drive 30mph and that this is just as real and significant as the thing we’ve all heard about regarding their driving so rapidly on the Autobahn.
Deceleration issues. Maybe it’s due to which letters of the alphabet are in the German language?!
Deceleration issues. You think coming down from 55 or even 70 mph to 30 is weird try 82.5 (which is 120 kph) down to 20 in 35 seconds or so. I’m sure once one gets used to it, it stops even seeming weird.
Okay, enough about that.
Today, I really just have the day off from a job I started only a month ago. I don’t even want to tell you what it is or where due to my own hang ups, I guess, but the bottom line is that I am having an unpaid holiday today.
Some people have good jobs and have this as a paid holiday in this country. Others don’t even have jobs, or have even worse ones.
Stage of Life
My stage of life is really very different from 20 years ago. Both ten and twenty years ago (forgive my even number fetish) I was deeply involved in raising an actual child. I still love him dearly and am now into the part where he is also an adult but still a lot younger than myself and of course still a close relative.
Twenty years ago I was very glad that I was married (again) and had every hope that I still would be when I write this today. However, even ten years ago I wasn’t married. I’ve married 3 times, in time for the women’s deadlines of when we had better marry off by, but am no longer that way. I am not glad, by the way, and each time I married I had every intention of and hope that I would still be that man’s wife today and that he would still be my husband today. I don’t feel that “divorce because we feel like it” is even vaguely okay, but do admit that some of my behavior during marriage: mostly when legitimately or wrongly extremely upset and/or angry definitely contributed to my ending up divorced but I stick each ex-husband with at least 50% of the blame and responsibility for not still being my husband ever since he married me.
Anyway, due to all that, I’m pretty much on my own today, and it’s a day off from work. I am glad it’s a holiday and am happy for everyone having a good time. I feel like it’s almost a major victory to not spend the entire day in emotional shock or sobbing my guts out due to how harsh it is to just be stuck hanging out alone despite having married off and become a mother and tried for more than 20 years to get a decent job….and also due to having moved back to where I am from and having at least 3 other relatives who all have time, money and transport enough to spend time with me today if they really want to, but none of them are bothering to.
I haven’t blogged again for a while. Some of it has just been the new “day job” so to speak, but some of it has been my own review and reaction to what the results of my doing this have really been.
I’ve been blogging for nearly 10 years now. At some point, I was just moving into having a weekly structure to the blog posts having blogged daily for like 3 years in a row or so, and then the whole thing sort of weirdly fell apart. I’m not sure I’ll ever understand what really happened.
I guess this blog post is just sort of ‘off the cuff commentary’ type of stuff. I’m not sure whether or not it will really help anyone or not. If it does help you, I’m glad. If it doesn’t, maybe I’m sorry.