Here we are again today. A while ago someone Facebooked that she is able to ‘be here now’ just fine when she is happy but when she is not she wants at least a cookie or something to help alleviate the problem. I found that validating, not because we should eat cookies instead of smoking or dating or gambling or having more sex…but because it was nice to see that ‘its not just me’ in terms of what makes ‘be here now’ sound like sensible advice or some words one hopes throwing a shoe at violently might make stop.
Right now, I am 44 and Sven is 16 – this is years not weeks or months. That is a joke for all the new parents and older people who remember how with babies we count in months. 16 months old is not the same as 16 years old. OK, duh, you all know that.
Moving to Germany at age 42 and 14 was pretty intense. In a previous post I debriefed readers on how about 15 years earlier I had a different plan for handling spending a few years living in Germany and then 5 years later…well, I had made and lost another set of plans. It seems a lot of what I manage to accomplish in life is thanks to effort but it is also true that many of the plans I make seem to be the brunt of Life’s jokes.
I know this is not linear but it is true that some but not all of my university professors generally mocked out stay at home Moms but also beat women down and back verbally saying that since they will be raising their children as stay at home Moms they won’t really be needing jobs. My Mom and stepmother worked and I really valued both the Moms who were able to be there with their children and also admired women working – and felt it is a challenge to strike a balance. I found it difficult to remain emotionally even keeled when I felt some but not all of the older men professors really acting that way. I was enraged by it. Come to find out 20 years later, that the women the same age as the worst offenders often went to college just to find a husband. I had thought I had found mine before I started university but was sent extras – either out of cruelty or else because I seemed to like men or else because someone was horrified that I might want a career and a decent marriage without growing a penis to do it. Luckily, not all the professors were harsh like that but if pressed they always denied that they had done anything wrong – which reminded me of the dark side of women as well as men.
The past 7 years I have had a little more luck than I had the previous 10 years to earn some money writing and to get short fiction, poetry, novels and books that I actually wanted to write, paid for & published…not me just being subsidized while not earning money but having goals to have ‘busy work’ and to feel like I’m doing something more with my life than raising a kid and being a dependent woman.
Hopefully that will get better and I will finally start to be a truly published book author and not only a ghostwriter and will be paid decently.
I have really noticed that having rewarding intimate relationships and achieving ‘work type’ goals are both important to me and cannot be substituted for each other with any amount of real effectiveness. Cash is not a hug and a great sexual encounter does not mean my book is going to be published with a contract and good reviews and enthusiastic sincere readers who are not only going to not have sex with me, but won’t even meet me in person. That’s just how it really is.
Obviously, like everyone else, I have to constantly solve life’s normal problems for my age group. Now, the age I am it is: romance & sex, family, work, funding. There is always the spiritual life running through all this. For me that is so integral it is a bit like how humans are made mainly of carbon and water….That’s really what’s going on.
Well, today I found more music that I like and have seen 35 chickens, 6 horses and a fold of goats. My son and I have enjoyed some of one another’s company and neither of us feels 100% fulfilled by interacting with each other but not because there is anything wrong with either of us.