The demands of the job have stayed the same instead of just conforming to what I wanted them to be so that I will be super successful by age 30 like some of the men and women we see out there in rock bands and places like that.
That didn’t work at all. I hate it: I went to higher education and tried marriage more than once in order to help make sure I would do the writing stuff from a financially secure situation with plenty of social and emotional intimacy and contact – it seemed OK at first: I first wrote a novel while a full time undergraduate with a paying part time job while in the same room as my boyfriend. Years later, my efforts to have a healthy romance but at least as much stability were yet again trashed: whether by inner demons or by the American ‘If you don’t feel like staying married just get divorced’ mentality or obscure attacks from invisible jealous rivals I don’t know.
Now, I’ve been writing from an insecure barely stable or unstable situation for years and so far, have only managed to humbly support myself – very humbly, from it for about 2 years not consecutively. Most of the time it is more like a beloved married woman’s cute paying hobby or a serious working woman’s fun second job but in my case it is really dysfunctional self employment. It works way more than not at all but is a pale mockery of what I had intended.
Color me the one to be laughed at during ‘recess’ today, but I had meant to be famous and successful and still sane and happy as well spiritually advanced a long time ago now. Unlike the people who drugged themselves to death at age 29 when they saw it not happening, I am still alive and still trying. It has not been a total failure….but it is a lot like having expected that by now I could go to the lunar colony on vacation when really we still can’t do that. Maybe we misjudged how hard it was or what’s really involved or something. Try to be happy with that whole space shuttle and space station thing and the Mars rovers and all that…even though – very disappointed, its not exactly the colonization of the solar system our SF juvenile minds had ‘expected’.