…Now what?

Peoples lives.  Wow, huh.  Well, if you’re like me at all – surely in some way you are, then you have had happiness and joy as well as sorrow and hard times and challenges.  Your good luck and your bad times might not be the same as mine.  That’s OK.

Recently, I have confronted with what I seem to really care about in life and what I don’t.  In reality, I endeavored to head toward at least 3 careers only to either be thwarted or to at least suffer from obstacles or personal limitations.  From my current perspective it seems to be about being a single middle aged woman with a mostly grown offspring.  I feel awkward because I don’t own a home either with my husband – oops, he’s flown the coop…Well, I always thought I wanted a husband who actually loves me and wants to be my husband rather than someone who I need but has really lost interest or only seems to fight with me nowadays…and I don’t own a home on my own, but I’m old enough and educated enough that I do feel as though I am supposed to.

I do feel as though I am supposed to have a career, especially given how much I thought about it during years of university.  I do, but it is this writing micro career which is presently only at money earning hobby level rather than really supporting me even though I’m being myself.  Hm.

I’ve heard that awareness and emptiness and spaciousness – like one may get between breaths…after saying everything one can say but doesn’t quite inhale yet: right there…you know in that spaciousness, out of that spaciousness, somewhere is my future.

If I live to my current life expectancy rather than dying prematurely I have about half of my life left but I won’t be young like I used to be during any of the rest of it.  I can be healthy and youthful in the sense of healthy and energetic and learning but not in the sense of naive and really only 17 or 21 or even 30 years old.  Those days are really gone now.

Most of my dissatisfaction with my current life is caused by my own ambitions.  If I had planned on growing up to be “No one special” then, I would be amazed, but in reality, at least half of my behavior and decisions are driven by my desire to achieve my ambitions.  I could be wrong and people who saw me on a bicycle midday may have doubted that but its true.  I’ve heard ambition can be a road to ruin, which I hope won’t be the truth in my case.

A few years ago I got really freaked out about the state of my life and then I settled in and thought things through and wrote it out and found that:  as of 2008 I had made progress in every area of my life that I had wished to develop but had not achieved to as high a level as intended and desired in any of those same areas.  That came as both a relief and as a terrible disappointment.  It is 2012 and the situation is pretty much the same, except that I have done a little something more in most or all of those areas.

“Inch worm / inch worm”….la lee la – lee la

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